The Roasted Birth Plan

I can’t claim to have authored this most hysterical satire on birth plans, but I will say that the person who did write it is one of the most compassionate and capable physicians I know – in addition to being extremely midwife, doula, hypno-birth and birth plan friendly. She just recently had a baby and wanted to poke a little fun at the whole process and arrived on the labor unit with this birth plan in hand. The nurses had to do a double-take before they realized it was all in good fun.

Dr. Roast’s Birth Plan

Pain Control: We are opposed to torture. However, we believe that labor is not truly painful, and therefore plan on using a butterfly and fairy based hypnosis performed by my husband during times that are more “intense”.

Labor: We would like the atmosphere of the room to be conducive to a relaxed baby and mom, therefore we would like to request that nobody be allowed in the room unless they are garbed in bright yellow from head to toe- any other color is likely to be a distraction.

We would like to minimize the people in our delivery room to those that were there at the time of the conception; therefore it will be myself and husband, my mom, hubby’s uncle Charlie, my husband’s ex-girlfriend, our next door neighbor Vinnie and our pet rabbits, Boo and Hoppers.

Please provide internet access so that we can cross check every recommendation that you give us with our valid internet sources (mystical-labor.com, orgasmic-deliveries.com, mendingwithmushrooms.com are our favorite go-tos)

Given that the baby is coming into the world naked, we feel that it would be most welcoming if we as parents were also naked, so instead of wearing yellow like our visitors, hubby and I will be without clothes at the time of the delivery.

We feel that words like “cervix” and “vagina” are offensive and tasteless, as well as discouraging. Therefore, if somebody needs to check our progress (which won’t happened often as hubby’s uncle is an empathic midwife from South Africa and will be able to sense my progress), we prefer that they use the terms “cervidoodle” and “vajingo”.

If an IV becomes necessary, I prefer that my husband have it.

If augmentation becomes necessary, we prefer to try other options prior to Pitocin, such as sexual intercourse or nipple stimulation (which should be done by the cutest male medical student on the service at the time).

Delivery: We would like to deliver in the standing position, embracing on the bed. If either of us has a bowel movement, we would like not to be told about it.

Instead of massaging my perineum with oil, we prefer that it be massaged with vodka, so that the baby can at least enjoy the ride out.

When the baby is born, we would like our doctor to refrain from announcing the gender as we don’t want to create gender confusion in our precious child-we will announce gender at their 4th birthday party (if they are in agreement).

We would like our doctor to sing “The Circle of Life” along to the Disney sound track while holding the baby above her head before she places skin to skin.

If a blood transfusion is necessary, I have brought our pet dog who will wait outside the room, ready to donate.

Post-Delivery: Please don’t cut the umbilical cord. We have researched and feel that parental biting off of the cord allows the child to have better memories of the birth.

We plan on hosting an in-room placenta party, therefore we have already requested permission from the hospital administration to bring our Hibachi.

Please don’t weigh the baby as we don’t’ want him/her to have a complex from the start.

If the baby needs to be taken from the room for a medical emergency, my husband should go with the baby. The cute med student performing the nipple stimulation can stay with me.

We will not be washing our baby for the first month, so that every possible nutrient can be either adsorbed into the skin, or rubbed onto ours during bonding times.

I have taken the liberty of pre-ordering a pumpkin vodka-martini to my room on post-partum day one, in celebration of a great delivery.

….And from I what I heard, it was a great delivery! Congratulations to “Dr. Roast” and family!

And remember, we love the birth plans. This was all in good fun – Saturday Night Live Style!!!

To purchase the newborn knitted turkey outfit, click here.

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